On Communal Heartache

When a certain mood strikes it’s not uncommon to seek out melancholic material; art to nourish the blueness; whether a song, say Elliott Smith’s Between the Bars, or something like Coldplay’s Fix You, or Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt. Sometimes, it is in the form of films that make you wistful, like Blue Valentine, or Portrait of a Lady on Fire, things that make you ache with their beauty. But, some creations hit so hard emotionally that it feels impossible to revisit them. I’m reminded of the 2019 film The Farewell written and directed by Lulu Wang; a film I really love, but haven’t been able to rewatch.

I remember going to watch this in theaters alone already knowing it was going to break my heart, but I couldn’t resist it. The film explores the relationship between a young woman who lives in New York City and her grandmother in China. The grandma gets diagnosed with cancer, but the family doesn’t tell her this–they conceal the truth and lie about it to her, so she doesn’t have to live with that knowledge. Instead, they carry that burden on grandma's behalf. Even though it requires dishonesty, I still find that act of bearing the brunt of such emotional pain moving. It’s an act of protection.

And I’m a believer that if you love someone, you protect them. And so, even though it is wrong to lie and withhold the truth, I feel like this is one instance where it makes sense because it is clearly coming from a place of love. But, I’m simultaneously not suggesting that love is always a justification for telling lies, I don’t think that. And that’s the main point of tension in this film, the granddaughter feels so much tension with what her family is doing. What I find especially beautiful about the way they’re protecting her is that they’re doing it together, the family shares that heartache.

Most of the time, it seems like navigating emotional pain is a solitary experience. It’s often isolated, whereas what is happening in the film demonstrates a communal experience around pain. I think that’s a sacred approach. I think maybe pain, like love, should be shared and endured together in this kind of communal way.