On Forgiveness
People have an overwhelming desire to be forgiven when they’ve wronged others, but it is strikingly difficult for people to offer others forgiveness. What a painful paradox.
The benefit of forgiveness is obviously that it liberates people from being tethered to some story, event, moment, or person. But, it is probably likely that often people don’t actually want to be free of that attachment. It is difficult in its own way to let go of something you’ve been tied to so deeply even if it causes you pain, or rather, especially if it causes you pain. The pain becomes familiar, perhaps, it feels too much a part of you that you are a blind to the possibility of a version of you unbounded by such a burden.
And if you have the power to forgive someone it means you were hurt or wronged, and you’re probably in pain, or maybe you once were. But, it is, of course, frightening for people to acknowledge and accept that another person hurt them. I think “you hurt me” is one of the most challenging utterances to vocalize out loud to the person who did the hurting. Although, it is probably more painful to think about the hurting quietly. And it is also challenging because it also implies, “I chose to care enough about you that I gave you the power to hurt me.” But, choosing to care is also choosing the probability of pain. And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone communicating that you hurt them, you might know that it can sometimes be grounds for the brewing of deep guilt and shame. Pain is sticky.
But, I think to forgive someone is to communicate something like: “I love you more than I love the attachment to my pain.” I think it is also to say, “I love you so much that I want you to be untethered from the painful moments and events and versions of yourself that are no longer here.” It is, perhaps, also to say, “I love you, so I will choose to see you for who you are right now.” It is mostly to say all these things to yourself.
And I do think a lot of the difficulties around the act of forgiveness are connected to identity. Actually, I’m finding a lot in life is about identity and the stories around it. What does it say about a person when they choose to forgive someone who hurt them? What does it say about a person if they don’t choose forgiveness? What does it say about a person to admit that they’ve been hurt? What does it say about a person if they’re the one who hurt someone? What does it say about a person who can’t see how refusing forgiveness keeps both people trapped in a specific moment they no longer want to be trapped in? Are they a bad person? Good person? Weak? Strong?
But identity, like time, is fluid, in my opinion. Although, it certainly doesn’t get treated that way. But, who you are changes, doesn’t it? You are not who you once were. The same goes for others. And yet, when pain, and memory, are in the mix, this becomes less obvious. Knowing this, how should it change our relationship to forgiveness; forgiveness towards others and ourselves?
Leave me feedback, thoughts, questions, whatever, etc.
These daily posts aren’t polished essays, but an experiment in taking one thing that’s lingering with me and publicly executing on trying to develop and articulate my thinking about it, especially when my thoughts are incomplete.
I think of everything on my entire Substack as something I can come back to and iterate & expand on later, including these posts! So, if anyone leaves a comment that sparks anything for me, I’ll consider exploring it further sometime. Here’s a link to a Google doc. of the above post:
→ Right Here!!←
If you have any specific thoughts that came up for you while reading, feel free to just jump in the doc. and leave comments on those moments, or all over throughout; leave thoughts on whatever you want, and ask questions, or share reactions to specific things. What stands out? What are you curious to know more about?
— Sandra