lol, I wish I could reply completely anonymously to this comment :) But this is what it brought up for me. Every now and then (very rarely) you meet someone and when you make eye contact it is as if they can see into you soul. You have to look away because the rawness of it is impossible to bear. Then you potentially can't handle that intensity so you always avoid eye contact or you secretly think of it and it makes you curious.
This class experiment seems like a setup for that.
There is also a Ted talk on asking 36(?) questions and staring into each other's eyes for some time - which 'guarantee' you falling in love. So there is something to this :)
This piece is the perfect example of why you are such a great writer. You took this 5 minute event (which I never would have thought to write about) and broke it down in a way that made me wish it was an entire book.
Wow. I think the only time I've done this staring into each others' eyes thing was post-36 questions, where it was staring for just two minutes I think? Five is quite a long time. And you've written about that experience so vividly that it made me uncomfortable and intimidated to stare into someone's eyes that deeply and that intently.
Two minutes? Whoa, yeah I feel like depending on your relationship to intimacy and the other person, even just two minutes could feel crazy intense. How was doing it post questions? Did you fall in love or deeper in love? I’ve always wondered if those questions have any impact.
We did it on our first date and fell wildly in love, but I don't know how much of that is attributed to the questions or just the buzz of a first date. They were definitely designed in a way to bring out topics of future, past, and present. Though I think We're Not Really Strangers is also a casual & fun way to bring these topics up (I love those decks)
Damn, truly effective. Impressive AND dangerous lol
I'm sure the combination of the two sped things up!
I don't think I've ever tried those cards, or any cards like that, but I've always been curious to try and see what kind of questions come up! It sounds fun/scary.
I want to do this exercise! I love how you chronicle this experience. Eye contact makes me uncomfortable— and admitting it makes me uncomfortable— but it was a relief to read your admission. 💚
I'm so happy you wrote about this! Made me remember when I did this exercise at a retreat organized by my high school, in this case led by Jesuit priest. Around 18 years ago and I also still remember it to this day as such a powerful experience. Yes, you capture it perfectly, so simple yet understandably deep, we're looking into the depth of the other person in the end, and that's vulnerable and uncomfortable and memorable.
The part about not talking again afterwards reminds of the ending of Y Tu Mamá También, and makes me realize that extremely uncomfortable, shared experiences, will either unite or separate you forever.
Also, "ex-punk Buddhist"?!? Sounds like an amazing professor!
Whoa! You did it in high school?! And I thought it was intense doing it at around the age of 20. What was the reasoning behind that? What a tremendous experience to have as a teenager!
That's such a powerful connection you bring up with Y Tu Mamá También. You're right. I think some of those vulnerable experiences can crack a person open in a way that's so scary, even if beautiful, that there isn't language to navigate the experience and it's easier to just leave it at that and walk away.
People can be packed with so much shame, guilt, trauma, etc. that one never knows what's to come. I guess that's the gamble of vulnerability and authenticity. Roll the dice, and hope for the best.
She was SO cool. Very witchy and eccentric. Very experimental writer, it inspires me still.
It was at a leadership retreat, they invited some of us and over a weekend we made some crazy exercises, like this one. Fun, uncomfortable and memorable!
Exactly! And agreed, there's no good language to navigate around those experiences.
And would to meet the witchy, experimental and eccentric character!
lemme just say that hippies do this exercise so much that I think I have cptsd from it. Joking aside though, I can find it to be both exhilarating and painful to feel so seen. Leaves me with a lot of questions also!
Both! There was a study allegedly that did this and the people in the study eventually got married or something like that (not sure if replicable)
The name of the class was "neuroscience and sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" so we explored these topics, watched a bunch of movies like Trainspotting and Tarnation
I hope it's not replicable -- Now knowing the consequences are that high, I'll be more careful moving forward. Please don't make me soul gaze again. lol
I love this. I had a similar experience the first time I did it in a meditation program. It's funny because the exercise is easier for me now than it is to look at people in regular conversation haha.
What do you think makes it easier than in regular conversation?
I'm feeling like it's different when you're in that container of an exercise because it's agreed upon from both sides, so you know they're on the same page and it's safe. In the wild, not having that container probably makes it harder since the other person isn't intentionally doing it too. I did it a handful of times last year, way different for me these days, thank goodness. I love eye contact now.
...and this is why the godz gave us sunglasses...
Ooh this tingled my interest so much.
Do say more?
lol, I wish I could reply completely anonymously to this comment :) But this is what it brought up for me. Every now and then (very rarely) you meet someone and when you make eye contact it is as if they can see into you soul. You have to look away because the rawness of it is impossible to bear. Then you potentially can't handle that intensity so you always avoid eye contact or you secretly think of it and it makes you curious.
This class experiment seems like a setup for that.
There is also a Ted talk on asking 36(?) questions and staring into each other's eyes for some time - which 'guarantee' you falling in love. So there is something to this :)
also why anonymously? lol
Even just thinking about the memory of this feels deeply personal, haha
Lollll okay but...write about it?
I think I wrote a related poem about it. But still trying to figure out if it’s actually the same thing.
It seems you just beautifully captured the magic of a moment like that. Part of me is like, is that transcendence that you just described?
I agree--very rare, but very real.
"You have to look away because the rawness of it is impossible to bear."
And yet!! Impossible not to bear.
I've heard about this! I'm curious about that.
Exactly! I’m also curious. When something interesting around this pops up I will send my notes :)
Look forward to notes!
This piece is the perfect example of why you are such a great writer. You took this 5 minute event (which I never would have thought to write about) and broke it down in a way that made me wish it was an entire book.
Aww, thank you, Randy!
And here I thought writing about a 5 minute exercise was kind of silly.
Wow. I think the only time I've done this staring into each others' eyes thing was post-36 questions, where it was staring for just two minutes I think? Five is quite a long time. And you've written about that experience so vividly that it made me uncomfortable and intimidated to stare into someone's eyes that deeply and that intently.
Two minutes? Whoa, yeah I feel like depending on your relationship to intimacy and the other person, even just two minutes could feel crazy intense. How was doing it post questions? Did you fall in love or deeper in love? I’ve always wondered if those questions have any impact.
We did it on our first date and fell wildly in love, but I don't know how much of that is attributed to the questions or just the buzz of a first date. They were definitely designed in a way to bring out topics of future, past, and present. Though I think We're Not Really Strangers is also a casual & fun way to bring these topics up (I love those decks)
Damn, truly effective. Impressive AND dangerous lol
I'm sure the combination of the two sped things up!
I don't think I've ever tried those cards, or any cards like that, but I've always been curious to try and see what kind of questions come up! It sounds fun/scary.
I want to do this exercise! I love how you chronicle this experience. Eye contact makes me uncomfortable— and admitting it makes me uncomfortable— but it was a relief to read your admission. 💚
!!!!! It’s a fruitful exercise. I did it months ago, and I really loved it. Try it with your kids!! Or your students!
I’d love to try it some day with people in my life and not strangers and see what that does.
I love how well your describe the weird sensations of that five minutes! Makes me want to know if that class is still available to try it out myself 🤣
Hahaha, Stanford must have or had writing classes better than that! Have you tried an exercise like that before?
Wish I’d taken a writing class… never had such a class/exercise, as alien to me as a Barbie movie, which I actually did go and watch
So glad I just saw this lol
I'm pleased to know you caved, Chao!!
I'm so happy you wrote about this! Made me remember when I did this exercise at a retreat organized by my high school, in this case led by Jesuit priest. Around 18 years ago and I also still remember it to this day as such a powerful experience. Yes, you capture it perfectly, so simple yet understandably deep, we're looking into the depth of the other person in the end, and that's vulnerable and uncomfortable and memorable.
The part about not talking again afterwards reminds of the ending of Y Tu Mamá También, and makes me realize that extremely uncomfortable, shared experiences, will either unite or separate you forever.
Also, "ex-punk Buddhist"?!? Sounds like an amazing professor!
Whoa! You did it in high school?! And I thought it was intense doing it at around the age of 20. What was the reasoning behind that? What a tremendous experience to have as a teenager!
That's such a powerful connection you bring up with Y Tu Mamá También. You're right. I think some of those vulnerable experiences can crack a person open in a way that's so scary, even if beautiful, that there isn't language to navigate the experience and it's easier to just leave it at that and walk away.
People can be packed with so much shame, guilt, trauma, etc. that one never knows what's to come. I guess that's the gamble of vulnerability and authenticity. Roll the dice, and hope for the best.
She was SO cool. Very witchy and eccentric. Very experimental writer, it inspires me still.
It was at a leadership retreat, they invited some of us and over a weekend we made some crazy exercises, like this one. Fun, uncomfortable and memorable!
Exactly! And agreed, there's no good language to navigate around those experiences.
And would to meet the witchy, experimental and eccentric character!
lemme just say that hippies do this exercise so much that I think I have cptsd from it. Joking aside though, I can find it to be both exhilarating and painful to feel so seen. Leaves me with a lot of questions also!
HAHAHA Maymieeeeee<3
Maybe that's why nobody stays in contact after lol The nervous system can't handle that depth of connection. 😅
& I'm with you on that. I've done it since then and it can get emotional. It's really special to witness someone else's humanity in that container.
We'll soul gaze next time minus the CPTSD lol
🥹🥹🥹🥹
Oh yeah we did the same exercise in a neuroscience class once! I left with good feelings for my partner though we haven’t stayed in touch.
What was the context of doing this in a neuroscience class?! Was it a bonding thing or a brain thing? Both? DETAILS
I assume that's how it goes! unfortunate but also 🤷🏻♀️
Both! There was a study allegedly that did this and the people in the study eventually got married or something like that (not sure if replicable)
The name of the class was "neuroscience and sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll" so we explored these topics, watched a bunch of movies like Trainspotting and Tarnation
I hope it's not replicable -- Now knowing the consequences are that high, I'll be more careful moving forward. Please don't make me soul gaze again. lol
what I do remember is how after that day, we never spoke again. I have not done this exercise yet. But I found this sentence most intriguing.
Oooh, thank you for sharing, Karena!
Hopefully you get a chance to try that sometime--I think it would be interesting between parent and child. Worth a try :)
what I do remember is how after that day, we never spoke again. I have not done this exercise yet. But I found this sentence most intriguing.
I love this. I had a similar experience the first time I did it in a meditation program. It's funny because the exercise is easier for me now than it is to look at people in regular conversation haha.
What do you think makes it easier than in regular conversation?
I'm feeling like it's different when you're in that container of an exercise because it's agreed upon from both sides, so you know they're on the same page and it's safe. In the wild, not having that container probably makes it harder since the other person isn't intentionally doing it too. I did it a handful of times last year, way different for me these days, thank goodness. I love eye contact now.
Hahah non participation in swimming? I remember skipping out on that in high school!!
And YES for a few minutes longer than 5 I think. Daily, for like a week, sometime last year. I was way more comfortable. I liked it!
LOL Mitchell.