The other day, I explained to my friend that I sometimes do this thing in conversations where I imagine the person sitting across from me as a child. One moment, that friend, family member, or stranger, talking to me is an adult, the next, they’re small and fragile.
Maybe “do this thing” isn’t the right phrase. It isn’t really a voluntary thing I do, sometimes it just happens. It’s sudden. And I end up melted by ongoing waves of heavy empathy when I don’t expect it. It’s beautiful and weird and fills me with love, but it also makes my insides shrivel because it hurts.
When I told my friend about it, I felt myself flinch. I could sense it happening when I looked at him, and of course, my eyes wanted to water at the image of him as an innocent child. So I felt my eyes dart down from his and my throat tightened. I resisted it.
I didn’t mention this, but I mostly just didn’t want him to see me cry. Not again. I don’t like coming across as too emotional. So, naturally, I jammed my own feelings down inside myself and stopped it. It’s kind of fitting; the way I got scared and embarrassed of being seen while vulnerable.
But I guess when you’ve learned, both implicitly and explicitly, how much is wrong about you, it’s hard not to constantly feel wrong as a person. Like, my entire natural way of being is always wrong. Even if it’s simply being seen expressing myself, the most organic and human thing. Sometimes, that makes me feel wrong too.
Not always. But I do find myself repeatedly unlearning and relearning about the importance of letting all the different parts of myself exist. And when I allow myself to be as I am, that’s when I feel most connected to myself, and most connected to others too. That might even be how my friend became my friend in the first place.
But of course, allowing myself to just be, often involves feeling and expressing my feelings. But then I find that the word “feelings” gets latched onto me, and it becomes less of a word, and more of a label that’s stickered onto my forehead. And to me, labels feel like straitjackets.
So I feel tension with the way people, like my own friend, might see me and label me. I don’t want to be reduced down to one thing, like I’m some mush of emotions, overly feely, instead of so much more. And when I start thinking about this, I can’t stand the feeling of my own skin.
I’m dynamic, as humans are, and I want to be seen as whole. So I want other dimensions of who I am to be noticed too, so I can be seen fully and accepted as I am. But part of being seen and accepted fully requires that I allow myself to be seen in moments like that, or in moments like this, right now. But why is it sometimes so hard?
And there are times when I try to do that thing intentionally to cultivate more empathy, patience, and understanding. Like when someone makes me hot with anger, frustration, or disappointment; when I’m hurt or scared, and most tempted to be unkind. I guess I forget how denying or wanting to deny my own self of being as I am is unkind too.
Hi friend,
I hope your day has been good to you.
If this issue of Sunday Candy made you think some things or feel some things, or if there’s anything about it that stood out to you, drop a comment or reply to the email and let me know. I’d love to hear from you.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to read.
Stay Tender,
Sandra
I admit my throat choked when you mentioned that, just found it profoundly beautiful. Now knowing more about it, I also find it fascinating. Were you born with a deeper sense of empathy?
Although I understand the pain and complications of it, glad to see you embrace it. It's a great step, in the right direction! Actually yesterday, I was listening to the new conversation on the Waking Up app (😉) about poise and compassion, and she says that the only true thing is that the principal beneficiary of metta (loving kindness) efforts is oneself, and Sam Harris says that the opposite is true: also the principal person affected by anger and hatred is oneself. So again, what you naturally do, must come back positively back to you!
As for being seen as a whole, you know I'm with you on this, and think you're right on-point: we're dynamic, and will be seen differently each time, especially online, where there's little space for nuance and first impressions matter too much. We're learning what and when we want to show up, and for now, identifying it is great. We'll get better at it ;)
Also, needless to say, I do see many sides of you for sure, thank you for opening up yet another one.
Hope you do get to see the DARK and DANGEROUS sides of me 😈 😂
"And to me, labels feel like straitjackets."
I love this line so much, Sandra. This is an awesome reflection on the paradox of self expression. One thing I learned this year was that it's so easy to box people into a label or category upon a single judgment, which is just silly, but it's human. Thanks for sharing this!