The other day, I explained to my friend that I sometimes do this thing in conversations where I imagine the person sitting across from me as a child. One moment, that friend, family member, or stranger, talking to me is an adult, the next, they’re small and fragile.
Maybe “do this thing” isn’t the right phrase. It isn’t really a voluntary thing I do, sometimes it just happens. It’s sudden. And I end up melted by ongoing waves of heavy empathy when I don’t expect it. It’s beautiful and weird and fills me with love, but it also makes my insides shrivel because it hurts.
When I told my friend about it, I felt myself flinch. I could sense it happening when I looked at him, and of course, my eyes wanted to water at the image of him as an innocent child. So I felt my eyes dart down from his and my throat tightened. I resisted it.
I didn’t mention this, but I mostly just didn’t want him to see me cry. Not again. I don’t like coming across as too emotional. So, naturally, I jammed my own feelings down inside myself and stopped it. It’s kind of fitting; the way I got scared and embarrassed of being seen while vulnerable.
But I guess when you’ve learned, both implicitly and explicitly, how much is wrong about you, it’s hard not to constantly feel wrong as a person. Like, my entire natural way of being is always wrong. Even if it’s simply being seen expressing myself, the most organic and human thing. Sometimes, that makes me feel wrong too.
Not always. But I do find myself repeatedly unlearning and relearning about the importance of letting all the different parts of myself exist. And when I allow myself to be as I am, that’s when I feel most connected to myself, and most connected to others too. That might even be how my friend became my friend in the first place.
But of course, allowing myself to just be, often involves feeling and expressing my feelings. But then I find that the word “feelings” gets latched onto me, and it becomes less of a word, and more of a label that’s stickered onto my forehead. And to me, labels feel like straitjackets.
So I feel tension with the way people, like my own friend, might see me and label me. I don’t want to be reduced down to one thing, like I’m some mush of emotions, overly feely, instead of so much more. And when I start thinking about this, I can’t stand the feeling of my own skin.
I’m dynamic, as humans are, and I want to be seen as whole. So I want other dimensions of who I am to be noticed too, so I can be seen fully and accepted as I am. But part of being seen and accepted fully requires that I allow myself to be seen in moments like that, or in moments like this, right now. But why is it sometimes so hard?
And there are times when I try to do that thing intentionally to cultivate more empathy, patience, and understanding. Like when someone makes me hot with anger, frustration, or disappointment; when I’m hurt or scared, and most tempted to be unkind. I guess I forget how denying or wanting to deny my own self of being as I am is unkind too.
Hi friend,
I hope your day has been good to you.
If this issue of Sunday Candy made you think some things or feel some things, or if there’s anything about it that stood out to you, drop a comment or reply to the email and let me know. I’d love to hear from you.
As always, I appreciate you taking the time to read.
Stay Tender,
Sandra
"And to me, labels feel like straitjackets."
I love this line so much, Sandra. This is an awesome reflection on the paradox of self expression. One thing I learned this year was that it's so easy to box people into a label or category upon a single judgment, which is just silly, but it's human. Thanks for sharing this!
Sandra, exquisite reflection you shared with us. A deep thank you. It makes me wonder about the role of ego in all of this. The ego doesn’t like to be uncomfortable. It likes to be in control. It likes to be right. Being able to express yourself the way you describe and to offer yourself to another in a deeply empathetic way, could be a sign that your ego isn’t running the show and is appropriately “in check”. Sometimes I’m not sure if we’re taught or conditioned to hold it all in as a child (I wasn’t, thankfully because of my mom) but the ego develops and forms as we emerge out of childhood and into adulthood, and not allowing the ego to dominate or react when triggered takes great awareness and practice.
Just thought I would share that since it came up for me.
Thank you again for offering us this lovely reflection.