I love this line so much, Sandra. This is an awesome reflection on the paradox of self expression. One thing I learned this year was that it's so easy to box people into a label or category upon a single judgment, which is just silly, but it's human. Thanks for sharing this!
Sandra, exquisite reflection you shared with us. A deep thank you. It makes me wonder about the role of ego in all of this. The ego doesn’t like to be uncomfortable. It likes to be in control. It likes to be right. Being able to express yourself the way you describe and to offer yourself to another in a deeply empathetic way, could be a sign that your ego isn’t running the show and is appropriately “in check”. Sometimes I’m not sure if we’re taught or conditioned to hold it all in as a child (I wasn’t, thankfully because of my mom) but the ego develops and forms as we emerge out of childhood and into adulthood, and not allowing the ego to dominate or react when triggered takes great awareness and practice.
Just thought I would share that since it came up for me.
Thank you again for offering us this lovely reflection.
James! I appreciate the response — although I’m late to seeing it, I’m thankful I just stumbled across your comment. You bring up an important point; noticing and being witness to when the ego is and isn’t in check is something I try to be cognizant of. Thank you for pointing that out. There’s definitely a relationship here, I think, between my ego being in check and my sense of safety. And I’m always amazed at the way feeling psychologically safe or unsafe allows for the cultivation of greater surrender.
I’ll be thinking more about this — thank you for stopping by, reading, and sharing! :)
I wish it wasn’t so hard to be seen and accepted fully by others. I don’t like how we keep emotions in when we interact with someone new. I wonder if it’s because we’re conditioned from a very young age to hold it all in? And any feeling that slips through the crack - whether it’s always sad, happy, angry - enough times determines how we’re perceived by others? Why are we judged for that? Why are we made to feel like we’re the only ones with feelings? Like we’re isolated in feeling emotions, instead of learning how to express them with others? We’re taught that feeling feelings are wrong. And that is sooooo so so wrong. 🚫
But I like how you visualize others as their child selves. I want that super power.
“I wonder if it’s because we’re conditioned from a very young age to hold it all in?”
I can’t speak for everyone; some people weren’t conditioned to hold anything in and some were in different ways. And I do think there’s a lot of things at play for many people, on a micro and macro scale, like rejection, trauma, etc.
I think people kind of latch onto what they want to in regard to what aspects they see in others. Maybe out of familiarity, or comfort/security or just not zooming out enough, etc. I don't know. But I also think we have some control in what we share of ourselves that shapes perceptions. So, we largely can’t control how people will choose to perceive us, but there is room to have some influence through what we choose to offer or restrain. But I prefer to move from a place of honesty in who I am while maintaining self-preservation.
I’ll keep the dynamic and tender coming! That’s largely the reason for this; I’ve become fairly comfortable at expressing and feeling and translating the more emotional parts of myself, to the point that, in my mind, I worry, at times, if that is the only thing that comes across to others. But it’s not as if I’m going to suddenly stop just because of that. I! Cannot! Be! Stopped!
P.S. I don’t think it’s a super power. I invite you to try it too.
I admit my throat choked when you mentioned that, just found it profoundly beautiful. Now knowing more about it, I also find it fascinating. Were you born with a deeper sense of empathy?
Although I understand the pain and complications of it, glad to see you embrace it. It's a great step, in the right direction! Actually yesterday, I was listening to the new conversation on the Waking Up app (😉) about poise and compassion, and she says that the only true thing is that the principal beneficiary of metta (loving kindness) efforts is oneself, and Sam Harris says that the opposite is true: also the principal person affected by anger and hatred is oneself. So again, what you naturally do, must come back positively back to you!
As for being seen as a whole, you know I'm with you on this, and think you're right on-point: we're dynamic, and will be seen differently each time, especially online, where there's little space for nuance and first impressions matter too much. We're learning what and when we want to show up, and for now, identifying it is great. We'll get better at it ;)
Also, needless to say, I do see many sides of you for sure, thank you for opening up yet another one.
Hope you do get to see the DARK and DANGEROUS sides of me 😈 😂
I find it fascinating too. I’ll have to do some research around this, but my instinct is to say no, I wasn’t born with a deeper sense of empathy. But I think that’s a good question to ponder because I don’t know if some people are born more empathic than others.
However, I’m not even sure doing that is necessarily empathic, just that it brings on empathy, but what do I know!
I do think it’s important to understand and I’d like to, especially going back to my question I shared with you around whether that’s something I can experience more deeply without assistance.
Was that episode the Sylvia Boorstein one? I’ll save it to my library! What you’ve shared makes sense and it definitely applies here. That’s part of it hurting, I think.
I wonder if there will ever be anywhere with space for true nuance and dimensionality. But I think it’s also maybe true that we have some say and responsibility in trying to bring it. I think that question around nature and embracing or resisting that is the tough layer, though.
And indeed you do! Much gratitude towards you for that.
Yeah, it's definitely something to cultivate, maybe some people are more naturally prone, but definitely a human quality that everyone can feel, and exercise to get more of.
And I get it! Again, so nice you do it :) With it, you are totally in the path of experiencing it without assistance. Although you can also take the elevator sometimes ;)
Yes!! Sylvia Boorstein. We'll comment sometime on it, but definitely the hurting comes with it. (Glad you're on the Waking Up path alongside with me now haha)
Agreed on nuance, dimensionality and the tough layer, nothing to add there.
Hahaha... left that one out intentionally, but you're right that I AM both!
It's so easy to reduce other people to one aspect that I know them from that when I learn about more parts of them, I get a bit scatterbrained... Because I am also multifaceted and somehow I always forget that we all really are. This piece illustrates that feeling well.
I wonder why it's hard for us to see this upfront sometimes? Your response reminded me of when kids realize their teachers are actual people with an identity outside of school lol
I've also had this happen spontaneously before, seeing what the adult person must have been like as a small child, but I've never talked about it. It usually gets me connected with the me who was a small child too, and it's never been anything but useful.
That's beautiful, Rick. Also, very cool to know someone else has experienced this! I didn't know if that was weird and uncommon. Probably is. But I do wish all our inner children could meet.
...wonderful as always...and contrast to the thoughts laid out so thoughtfully in paragraph #5 i don't think you are wrong...i'd say you are totally righteous...when i talk to people they often turn into fraggles and i'm permanently afraid we'll become puppets and start gardening while singing...thanks for sharing this openess...
"And to me, labels feel like straitjackets."
I love this line so much, Sandra. This is an awesome reflection on the paradox of self expression. One thing I learned this year was that it's so easy to box people into a label or category upon a single judgment, which is just silly, but it's human. Thanks for sharing this!
"The paradox of self-expression" boils it down nicely.
I'm right there with you! Thanks, Baxter!
Sandra, exquisite reflection you shared with us. A deep thank you. It makes me wonder about the role of ego in all of this. The ego doesn’t like to be uncomfortable. It likes to be in control. It likes to be right. Being able to express yourself the way you describe and to offer yourself to another in a deeply empathetic way, could be a sign that your ego isn’t running the show and is appropriately “in check”. Sometimes I’m not sure if we’re taught or conditioned to hold it all in as a child (I wasn’t, thankfully because of my mom) but the ego develops and forms as we emerge out of childhood and into adulthood, and not allowing the ego to dominate or react when triggered takes great awareness and practice.
Just thought I would share that since it came up for me.
Thank you again for offering us this lovely reflection.
James! I appreciate the response — although I’m late to seeing it, I’m thankful I just stumbled across your comment. You bring up an important point; noticing and being witness to when the ego is and isn’t in check is something I try to be cognizant of. Thank you for pointing that out. There’s definitely a relationship here, I think, between my ego being in check and my sense of safety. And I’m always amazed at the way feeling psychologically safe or unsafe allows for the cultivation of greater surrender.
I’ll be thinking more about this — thank you for stopping by, reading, and sharing! :)
Being seen is being vulnerable. Excellent piece.
I agree & you can't have one without the other -- thank you for reading!
I wish it wasn’t so hard to be seen and accepted fully by others. I don’t like how we keep emotions in when we interact with someone new. I wonder if it’s because we’re conditioned from a very young age to hold it all in? And any feeling that slips through the crack - whether it’s always sad, happy, angry - enough times determines how we’re perceived by others? Why are we judged for that? Why are we made to feel like we’re the only ones with feelings? Like we’re isolated in feeling emotions, instead of learning how to express them with others? We’re taught that feeling feelings are wrong. And that is sooooo so so wrong. 🚫
But I like how you visualize others as their child selves. I want that super power.
Please keep being dynamic and tender! 👁️ C 🫵 💙
“I wonder if it’s because we’re conditioned from a very young age to hold it all in?”
I can’t speak for everyone; some people weren’t conditioned to hold anything in and some were in different ways. And I do think there’s a lot of things at play for many people, on a micro and macro scale, like rejection, trauma, etc.
I think people kind of latch onto what they want to in regard to what aspects they see in others. Maybe out of familiarity, or comfort/security or just not zooming out enough, etc. I don't know. But I also think we have some control in what we share of ourselves that shapes perceptions. So, we largely can’t control how people will choose to perceive us, but there is room to have some influence through what we choose to offer or restrain. But I prefer to move from a place of honesty in who I am while maintaining self-preservation.
I’ll keep the dynamic and tender coming! That’s largely the reason for this; I’ve become fairly comfortable at expressing and feeling and translating the more emotional parts of myself, to the point that, in my mind, I worry, at times, if that is the only thing that comes across to others. But it’s not as if I’m going to suddenly stop just because of that. I! Cannot! Be! Stopped!
P.S. I don’t think it’s a super power. I invite you to try it too.
I admit my throat choked when you mentioned that, just found it profoundly beautiful. Now knowing more about it, I also find it fascinating. Were you born with a deeper sense of empathy?
Although I understand the pain and complications of it, glad to see you embrace it. It's a great step, in the right direction! Actually yesterday, I was listening to the new conversation on the Waking Up app (😉) about poise and compassion, and she says that the only true thing is that the principal beneficiary of metta (loving kindness) efforts is oneself, and Sam Harris says that the opposite is true: also the principal person affected by anger and hatred is oneself. So again, what you naturally do, must come back positively back to you!
As for being seen as a whole, you know I'm with you on this, and think you're right on-point: we're dynamic, and will be seen differently each time, especially online, where there's little space for nuance and first impressions matter too much. We're learning what and when we want to show up, and for now, identifying it is great. We'll get better at it ;)
Also, needless to say, I do see many sides of you for sure, thank you for opening up yet another one.
Hope you do get to see the DARK and DANGEROUS sides of me 😈 😂
I find it fascinating too. I’ll have to do some research around this, but my instinct is to say no, I wasn’t born with a deeper sense of empathy. But I think that’s a good question to ponder because I don’t know if some people are born more empathic than others.
However, I’m not even sure doing that is necessarily empathic, just that it brings on empathy, but what do I know!
I do think it’s important to understand and I’d like to, especially going back to my question I shared with you around whether that’s something I can experience more deeply without assistance.
Was that episode the Sylvia Boorstein one? I’ll save it to my library! What you’ve shared makes sense and it definitely applies here. That’s part of it hurting, I think.
I wonder if there will ever be anywhere with space for true nuance and dimensionality. But I think it’s also maybe true that we have some say and responsibility in trying to bring it. I think that question around nature and embracing or resisting that is the tough layer, though.
And indeed you do! Much gratitude towards you for that.
You forgot MYSTERIOUS. 😂
You are the enemy.
Yeah, it's definitely something to cultivate, maybe some people are more naturally prone, but definitely a human quality that everyone can feel, and exercise to get more of.
And I get it! Again, so nice you do it :) With it, you are totally in the path of experiencing it without assistance. Although you can also take the elevator sometimes ;)
Yes!! Sylvia Boorstein. We'll comment sometime on it, but definitely the hurting comes with it. (Glad you're on the Waking Up path alongside with me now haha)
Agreed on nuance, dimensionality and the tough layer, nothing to add there.
Hahaha... left that one out intentionally, but you're right that I AM both!
It's so easy to reduce other people to one aspect that I know them from that when I learn about more parts of them, I get a bit scatterbrained... Because I am also multifaceted and somehow I always forget that we all really are. This piece illustrates that feeling well.
I wonder why it's hard for us to see this upfront sometimes? Your response reminded me of when kids realize their teachers are actual people with an identity outside of school lol
Must be easy with me then 😂
lol wut? what is this referring to, sensei?? WHAT'S SO FUNNY
coz I'm overtly a child
Lol no 👶🏻
You’re too strong to be a child
I've also had this happen spontaneously before, seeing what the adult person must have been like as a small child, but I've never talked about it. It usually gets me connected with the me who was a small child too, and it's never been anything but useful.
That's beautiful, Rick. Also, very cool to know someone else has experienced this! I didn't know if that was weird and uncommon. Probably is. But I do wish all our inner children could meet.
It feels to me that it's kind of what we are doing here with our writing.
For the record, this response blew my mind. Unsure if it's true, but it's a pretty thought.
...wonderful as always...and contrast to the thoughts laid out so thoughtfully in paragraph #5 i don't think you are wrong...i'd say you are totally righteous...when i talk to people they often turn into fraggles and i'm permanently afraid we'll become puppets and start gardening while singing...thanks for sharing this openess...
❤️ You rule and I too don't think you are wrong and are totally righteous.
So may we all bask in our not wrongness and total righteousness?
I do not want to be a fraggle. Please, stop me if I somehow fall into fraggledom.
Although I would love a garden to garden in and I don't mind singing.
Thank you for your openness in opening this!
What’s your version of this that you do, Mitchell?
I definitely agree some people are more sensitive to empathy. I like that analogy about the sun; beautiful and it hurts.
“Only you need to know everything there is to know about you” is a powerful thought!! I love that. I think I’ll be sitting with that one.